he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize