If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
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