Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize