what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
