I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
