when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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