Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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