just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
