Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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