White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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