took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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