Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
