11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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