Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
