i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
