i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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