So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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