mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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