I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
