No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
