fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
