His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
