We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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