I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
