I've blown a few things in my day
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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