I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
