Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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