The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
