Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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