Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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