Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize