It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
