i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
