Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
