If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
