it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
