What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
