a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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