i just google imaged poop.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
