Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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