a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
