Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
