Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
