I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
