you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
