well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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