It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize