Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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