Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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