Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
