I can tuck mytits in my pants
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
