Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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