just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Rumble strips road head = magical
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
