you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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