If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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