just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
