I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
