My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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