mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
