so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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