hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
