he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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