Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
